Friday, February 7, 2014

I wish I could be you, mum.





I was standing at the kitchen table while the children ate their cheese on toast for dinner. One hand holding a plump plum, it's juices running down my chin and arm. The other scrolling on the track pad of the Mac - checking my emails and supervising dinner, a common scenario.

Dressed in a sloppy striped cotton top, mascara under my eyes, unsightly hair on my legs and unwashed, unbrushed tresses atop my head, I was being studied by my newly 3 year old daughter. Her eyes scanned my exhausted frame before she tilted her head slightly to the right, smiled and remarked 'I wish I could be you mum.'

And you know what, she meant it.

I'm her mother. Her earthly nurturer. Her example.

I've never had a stronger desire to be 'whole' than I do right now. To be confident and capable. To be present and attentive. Kind, loving, warm and comforting. To wear hairs on my legs with an unabashed pride and to demonstrate self worth from the inside out.

I'm so broken. So not who I want to be. But to my daughter, I'm perfect.

 It's with intentionality, prayer and patience that I'm moving forward.


See you on the flip side.



35 comments:

  1. Oh my! that photo - so so so beautiful. Please frame and cherish on a beautiful wall. I love that!!

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  2. What a wonderful thing to hear. Well deserved I am sure. Love the image too.

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  3. Beautiful! Pure love spoken from your little person.

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  4. we are all FAR more than we believe ourselves to be.. bless that sweet three year old of yours. and that photo is incredible x

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  5. I don't have children, but to me, my mum is still perfect. Inner beauty is the most precious example a mother can be to her children. I know that's what I see in my mum! xo

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    1. Oh, and I think she's beautiful on the outside, as well :) x

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  6. Thanks for sharing those thoughts...love the photo too. xxx

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  7. I believe this is one of the most fantastic writings EVER...what a neat person you are! You made me feel proud of being a mom and I thank you for that.

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  8. I love this post Emily ,your daughter thinks your beautiful and you are we are so super critical of ourselves it is lovely that your 3 year old wants to be you,she thinks you are a goddess enjoy it while it lasts Emily and be a little kinder to you xx

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  9. This was a beautifully written post. To me, my parents are still perfect in their own ways and I often wish I could possess half their put togetherness. As I've grown up, I have realized that they're flawed and sometimes uncertain, but I've also realized that they never let it show. They're so determined, despite they're tiredness. They're still my best examples. I never believed it was possible to be friends with your parents, but now that I've entered my twenties I have a whole new level of appreciation, love, and friendship toward them. It's a great thing.

    Thank you for this post.

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  10. I worry that you're a wee bit hard on yourself, Em. I am thankful that my Mum had wild outbursts and cried and yelled sometimes. Because if you hide the hard side of life, you're teaching your kids that everything is easy. And that would be a lie! Anyway, we all clearly think you're doing a brilliant job, I have no doubt that you are caring and attentive and all the things you want to be, hairy legs or not. Kellie xxxx

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  11. If only we loved ourselves they way they love us. X

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  12. sob! Oh Em, you wonderful woman. You are beautiful, your daughter is beautiful too. I feel like how you feel most days, like a mask is being placed on to be all that I am 'supposed' to be. But inside is me, quietly running around in circles, full of self doubt and screaming (silently) I can do this shit!. You are not alone. AND I haven't shaved my legs since xmas! In the eyes of our babes we will always be beautiful caring parents, and that is enough. You are awesome xx

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  13. Love this photo!! She's so cute, just like her Mum!

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  14. Oh Em, this is so beautiful in very way...
    God knows that we are broken, yet He still uses us for His purposes and His glory.
    Ronnie xo

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  15. Beautiful post and how grown up does she look in that photo! What a wonderful thing for Pip to read when she's older. Out of the mouths of babes often comes the wisest words, to her you're amazing and that's all that should matter xx

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  16. And with that statement you know you are doing parenting 100% correct. You baby idolizes you!

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  17. Mmmmm...such a beautiful description.

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  18. Thanks em. That touches parts of my heart that have been struggling.
    Sheree x0x

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  19. I want to be confident and capable too, but right now the fake it til ya make it style is going to have to do.

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  20. As a new mum to a beautiful 5 month old daughter, I too have high expectations on myself as to what kind of role model I want to be. Generally I keep my perspective but at times I take too much notice of my hair that's in desperate need of some foils or my feet that are crying for some pedicure attention. And when did I become a woman who wears her hair in a high bun everyday?? I am learning that motherhood is a minefield and in an effort to feel like more than a shadow of my former self, I have chosen perspective as my word for 2014 and when I have it, everything is really ok.. Wonderful actually! I hope when Freya is 3 years old she will idolise me as much as your daughter does you.
    Thank you for the brutally honest post, it was exactly what I needed.
    By the way, I think you always look fantastic in your 'wearing' posts!

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  23. You know, I don't think they see us as perfect at all. Their love is simply unconditional and they have not yet learnt that everyone should strive to be "perfect". She saw you warts and all and thought THAT is what I love. That is who I want to be like. For it is in overcoming hurdles and imperfection and still being able to love that we are truly admirable. Don't wonder at her ability to be blinded by love. Children see all. Be dazzled by her ability to love unconditionally.

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  24. Babe, your words are so beautiful. They also show that you're doing an amazing job to be loved that much xxx

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  25. This photo is beautiful and your words and tale just perfect xx

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  26. everything about this is so beautiful. your writing always speaks so directly to my spirit. thank you! x

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Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, advice and solidarity.

xo em