(from the archives - something I need to remember)
My life is in the home. Surrounded by these walls I go about my day completing menial tasks whilst doing the most important job in the world- raising babies to be real humans.
Much of the time I do a great job. I really do, but there are occasions when I fail in embarrassingly significant ways.
Sometime in the last week I had a tiny little thought. A thought that was as small as a mustard seed.
I was awoken in the morning in the usual way, by adoring children pitter pattering their way into our room and accosting my senses with their presence. Usually I rustle around under the covers for a little longer before making my way to the kitchen for coffee. But on this occasion I pressed my face into my pillow and thought 'I just can't do it any more- I can't face another day when i'm THIS exhausted'.
Alas, I rose from my bed and schlepped into the kitchen anyway. The day rolled on and the kids behaved in their usual manner- equal parts naughty and nice.
But with the mornings and days that followed that tiny mustard seed of a thought grew and grew and grew until today where I find myself completely overwhelmed with everything about motherhood. All of it.
I can make no sense of breakfast, lunch, dinner, naps or nappies. It's beyond me.
That mustard seed is now a tree and it's roots are choking up my scrambled brain. I'm foggy and distracted and miserable and it feels wretched.
Something has got to give and it's not going to be my mental health for any longer.
If that tiny little negative thought can grow and develop over the course of a week then surely some positive thinking could do the same!
Today, right now, I'm claiming my brain back. I'm claiming my heart, finding some faith in my God and strength beyond my own. I'm planting a seed of positivity*and I'm going to watch it grow. I'm reminding myself that I am capable, my house may be messing and my washing may remain unfolded but I am capable.
I can do this.
*gosh, so bloody corny