Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Midnight Fight




I think well executed arguments are really great in a marriage. They help to keep things open and transparent. A good strong conversation can serve to clarify muddled situations. It can assist in keeping the lines of communication open and flowing fluidly. A good argument evokes passion and fire and lets be honest, a hefty dose of rage. It involves talking (loudly) and listening to resolve issues, conflicts and problems.

I consider arguments to be the sign of a healthy marriage.

To argue well, one must be well slept and capable of comprehending what is truly being discussed. One must be willing to be silent and listen, trying to read between the lines and understand both the spoken and unspoken causes of tension.

Dave and I argue well, umm, sometimes. When lack the ability to argue well, we make up for it in frequency.

Given our constant sleep deprived state, we bicker fairly often and from time to time we go all out and argue with complete abandon.

Usually we tussle over issues of spare time, house hold chores and feeling valued and valuable in our lives. You know, the full scope - from trivial to complex.

But we argue best at Midnight when the baby won't sleep and the big kids have wet their beds and the baby won't sleep and the baby won't sleep (why, oh WHY won't the baby sleep?).

Do you know the kind of argument I'm talking about here?

The one where you say outrageous irrational things and maybe even stomp your foot on the floor like a tantruming toddler. The one where you lash out and curse and try your hand a little bit of kung fu, before falling back into a blissful sleep state at the first available opportunity.

The useless argument.

The exhaustion induced argument.

The embarrassing argument.

Let's call it The Midnight Fight.



Tell me, do you find that having children has introduced the midnight fight into your home?


You may note that this is very poorly written, take it as evidence of my exhaustion.

44 comments:

  1. Lol.....never fear Em...YOU are SO NORMAL. And be assurred....this time will pass. Just think, one day you'll be waiting up at midnight for your teenagers to come home :)
    PS I'm wishing you good sleep vibes right now.
    PPS The best part about a good argument...is the making up afterwards.

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    1. OHH NOOOOOOOO! don't even get me thinking about the teen age stage! It will be worse, i just know it. I'm SUCH a worrier!

      x em
      p.s i'm WAY to tired to 'make up' ahahah

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  2. When I had a baby/toddler who slept very little, yes we had those fights. Messy, messy fights, with nasty words being thrown around. Now that our four year old FINALLY worked out how to sleep through the night, those fights are gone. We sleep very solidly instead (I know, I am sorry, you didn't want to hear that)
    I can hear the exhaustion in your words. You will have all three sleeping one day, I promise. Although I know from my sleep-deprivation journey it might not feel like it will ever happen. It does, and you will love it :) Hang in there in the meantime. Disrupted sleep is horrid.

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    1. you've given me hope, thank you for your kindness

      x

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  3. Oh yes they exist in my home. My kids are not good sleepers, period. Every night i am up doing something and it use to involve my husband as well but he is incredibly grumpy in the evening and it never turned out well so now i do it solo, leaving those arguments dormant and him fast asleep. He sleeps incredibly deeply and it's not even worth waking him anymore.

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  4. My hubby works 4:1 FIFO so when the baby won't sleep or the dog is barking to go outside or the teenager won't get off his xbox ( even though he was told 2 hours ago to GET OFF) there is nobody to argue with. I have fights in my head, go over conversations I WILL have when he's home & begged the baby to sleep but nobody is listening lol sleep deprivation is a bitch! It makes us crazy!!!

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    1. Soooooo many fights in my head..ha ha....You always win this way!!

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  5. Yepo, ditto, hooray...
    Im just glad we all still care enough to fight... recently a darlying mummy and wife took a deep breath and decided she ahd lost the will to fight.... she was devo at the reality....

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  6. I love that you wrote this. Love. We fight. Kind of. I'm the talker, he's not. So I yell and he sits there and ignores me. Strangely, I get a small thrill of satisfaction if I make him angry enough to yell back. Because then at least we're talking, right? Oh dear.

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    1. This is such a common tale! I'm more of a fighter too so I know what you mean!

      xx em

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  7. Lol - this is my life :) been sent to bed to sleep whilst the baby sleeps, but I can't so I am reading blog posts and leaving comments.

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  8. bahahaha!! Yes, yes, and yes!! The hissed remarks, the you did this and you did that!! Yes, yes and yes!!

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  9. We don't fight. I do. But WE don't. I am married to the most even tempered, placid, reasonable man on the planet!

    I am almost jealous of your 'Midnight Fights'... some good old fashioned yelling would be very cleansing... But no... Mr Reasonable is the strong and silent type... Le sigh.

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  10. Lol. Em. I started laughing when I saw your picture of the spaghetti on the floor. I hate sweeping up spaghetti – it kind of sticks and bounces. And yes, we have those arguments. They've increased massively since the third bubs birth, I'm telling myself it is a transition phase, that will pass.

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    1. THIS TOO SHAL PASS (please, let it pass quickly.... and quietly)

      x em

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  11. Oh yes know all about, when I say things like "I dont feel supported"....... while baby is crying and I have a knot in my tummy. All better the next day after a little bit of sleep ...until the next time......nice post !

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  12. Oh boy, do we know the midnight fight! We're both fiery, opinionated and stubborn as mules (What else would you expect from two women?)
    I still believe the best promise we made each other was to never go to bed angry at the other - even when I'm beyond exhausted or she's so incredibly pissed off at me, we still 'kiss and make up' - and our marriage is better for it.

    Here's to 'heated discussions' and sleepy vibes for all The Beetle Shack crew...especially the littlest monkey!
    xx

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  13. i just read this post to my other half and we died of laughter. classic- especially the "why oh why". But seriously, WHY?! I can stomp my feet with the best of them. Especially at midnight. But somehow the cup of coffee first thing with the sun straightens my perspective again! xx

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  14. Sending the sleep vibes your way. Cant say its a good old midnight stoush here. More like 6pm when he gets home from work and I need him to clock on with the kids and that's the last thing he wants to do after a 'hard' day at work. Im with Ashley (above) The sun rising again and that 1st cuppa in the morning always makes everything ok again.

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  15. Not sure if this is totally relevant, but awhile back I read something about the importance of arguing in front of our children, not mean, name calling arguing, but disagreeing and even getting emotional. Kids need to realize that it's a part of marriage and that it doesn't mean you don't love each other. The article also spoke about how kids need to see us apologize and forgive afterwards because that's crucial. I think so often we guard our kids from it, but the effect is that they don't learn some important life skills.
    Anyhow, exhaustion arguments shouldn't be held against us. One day I'll be well rested and rational, but that might not be for a very long while.

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    1. I agree Rachel. I never saw my parents argue & now i avoid any sort of confrontation with my husband. I keep everything to myself until i almost have an emotional breakdown. I worry that when we argue it means we're heading towards divorce. This is my 2nd marriage, the first ended due to a lack of communication after just 2 years.

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  16. After 39 years of marriage, 3 children, 4 grands, I can say that marriage and the fights change with the stages of life. The quick, sharp spats to the week-long cold shoulders, to the deeply painful betrayals. Learning to fight fairly is THE most important lesson for married couples. As long as both sides are committed to working it out, fights are part of a healthy marriage. We all remember the story of the octogenarians who were asked how their marriage had lasted so long. She said, "No, I have never contemplated suicide. Homicide yes, but never suicide."

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  17. Oh those ones don't even count! xK

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  18. Lol so very very true in our arguments I use a lot of nasty faces and finger signs too so the kids don't hear all what mum really wants to say. The knackered shattered kid won't sleep stress midnight hour row xxxx

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  19. Yep. Just yep. Our 15 m.o. Is teething right now. So little sleep, so very cranky.

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  20. Em, this has come at sooo the right time for me! My husband and I sometimes think, is it only us?! I don't think near enough people talk about the effects having children has on a marriage. My husband and I love each other dearly but when the kids don't sleep (like always) the arguing creeps in as the tiredness seeps in. And this post reminds me it's normal. It does happen to others. Thank you!

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  21. Oh yes. This happens around here too.
    I am a terrible stomper and when I get annoyed I stomp around the house. When he hears the stomping, my husband has learned to either leave me alone or better yet, make me a cup of tea and some toast and once I have calmed down, we have a slightly more rational conversation.
    The fights are nearly always over me feeling like I do everything and have to think of everything and me feeling like he does nothing. Which is completely untrue. But still I sometimes just need to get it out of my system!

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  22. I know aaall about the midnight fight. You fight irrationally until the baby falls asleep and then you fall into a deep slumber without resolution and full of fury. We always wake up the next day well rested and capable of logical thought and the petty things we argued over that were as big and important as the entire world at midnight, suddenly seem ridiculous and irrelevant. "To argue well, one must be well slept" .. I think that's the key sentence here.

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  23. I'm more of a silent assassin, capable of storing copious amounts of little bickers for weeks on end and then unleashing it all in one cleansing go. I suspect midnight arguments are healthier

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  24. Nailed it!!! Ours happen at any time of the day or night, and then usually end in me doing lots of irrational rage fuel 'fast forward cleaning'.....honestly, on those bad weeks, our house is never cleaner!
    And usually I come up with my best retorts AFTER the argument and have them flying through my head for days to come....ahhh such a blissful thing is marriage!

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  25. "why won't she sleep??" is pretty much our mantra these days ;)

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  26. Yes we used to argue like that when our now 23 year old daughter would not sleep she did not sleep well until she was about 12 or so and yes all the useless blaming and the forgotten brought up stuff comes out when you are tired.I do think you need a good argue now and again to clear the air xx Lisa Mckenzie

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  27. All I can say is a lack of sleep will do it to the most rational calm person. Secondly ring your local child health care centre (the govt one) where you get your baby's developmental weight, height, milestones etc done. The dept in Melbourne is brilliant as I had my first baby when I was in Melbourne. Right.......now you've got all that ring them up or make an appt to see them and tell them that you are exhausted because baby is not in a "sleeping routine" and the whole family is suffering from exhaustion. Either that or go to your local gp burst into tears and say the same thing.

    You can to the "Sleep School" (as I refer to it, I have no idea what the real name is) for a day stay. You rock up with baby and they have these cots in rooms with one way glass window on the doors and they teach you how to get your baby to self settle. Now being your 3rd child you might think this is a silly suggestion but remember here the ultimate goal is for your baby to have a good night's sleep and for also the parents to have a good night's sleep.

    I went there for one day (they are so helpful and professional - all govt funded) and I came home used the techniques and my son was asleep in 10 minutes with a calmer mother. SERIOUSLY.........it was like someone told me I had won the lotto or "the secret".....After he was asleep in 10 minutes I sat down and painted my nails knowing he wouldn't be waking and I would have wet fingernails.

    I couldn't believe I had to struggle along when all I needed was a one day at that place. Mums can sit around and read a book, chat, have a coffee while baby sleeps or wakes and the baby learns how to get them selves off to a good sleep. DO IT NOW...........ring your community health care clinic and find out the details as you have to book in. Get someone to mind your kids for the day and your life will be forever changed.

    This being your 3rd child you need it more because if your first one doesn't sleep you only have to worry about you and the baby (yet I was exhausted) however if you have 2 other little people and obviously an exhausted tired husband as well then I say it is a DONE DEAL..........JUST DO IT. Don't just accept she is not a good sleeper....ahhhh she is young and she needs guidance and Mummy can do with a cuppa and a good book on the couch at an air-conditioned centre designed to help you. TRUST ME............I was like a new woman after my day there. They don't have to be new born babies either................just an exhausted mother needing help. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia

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  28. My recent middle-of-the-night-delights have included punching my pillow and dropping the c-bomb. The C-BOMB. I swear before baby number two I couldn't even spell it. Now I night-fight like I'm in the navy. X

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    1. dude, you impress me SO BAD!

      total awesome!!

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  29. My husband has learnt not to listen to anything I say when it involves sleep deprivation and hormones. I can be horrible and quite frankly so can he, but we don't mean a word - we just want everyone to be quiet and sleep, and maybe sleep some more. Seriously now our kids are sleeping better and getting older they don't happen as often.

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  30. In our humble house there lives a spontaneous passive aggressive with a certifiable obsessive compulsive control freak... the midnight fight was written into marriage vows. ♥♥♥

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    1. Oh thank God, you too?! ahahah

      totally made me laugh with this one!

      x

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  31. I once kicked Justin so hard in the back (I was so embarrassed after at my temper), but Jarvis woke every night at least every three hours for the first year, then every four or five hours until just recently. Not once has Justin woken up to him, he can sleep through anything, partial deafness bought on by a combination of being male and being a photographer who shoots bands. I was overtired and hormonal, having just had another miscarriage. Jarvis was crying and I just snapped. Kicked him in the back and screamed "just once act like a father". Very mean and very violent. Not my finest moment.

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    1. Sleep deprivation is a cruel and controlling beast. I must confess to acting much the same... most of the time! ahaha xx

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  32. I'm just catching up on some blog reading and seriously, you are hilarious and so very awesome. Who writes about this sort of stuff?! I have just laughed and laughed at this post and some of the comments, even though it's probably not really that funny, it so is. It's just all too familiar. Think I'm going to have to start reading blogs again just to make sure I see your posts. So awesome.

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  33. my wife came back,..before then I didn't know where to turn. My wife of 16 years wanted to leave me. I contacted prophet mica i saw reviews about online and from a friend, we worked together for a couple days and the last day she came home after work with a bottle of wine and said she wanted to talk. She said what a mistake she made and we have never looked back. Thanks for all your help prophet mica, you really gave me my life back with my wife.. prophet's email is templeoflivingspirits@ gmail.com. I'm glad sincere persons like this still exist.

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Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, advice and solidarity.

xo em