Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Yearning for Solitude




photo's by ubertim

Every day I love my kids, my husband and our life together but some days- like today- I struggle to immerse myself in its excellence.

From the moment I opened my eyes I was yearning to be ALONE. Maybe it was the result of a four day weekend full of family time, surfing, cooking, washing and gardening- all together- all four of us. Maybe it was the tail end of an exhausting cold, maybe its the PMT?  

Either way - I spent the day shirking responsibility, avoiding conversation and pressing 'watch program' on iview over and over. When that failed to work, I bundled the children into the car and drove them around (and around and around), when they tried to chatter I turned up the radio. 

Neither my head nor my heart were in it today and it felt rotten. 



So when the afternoon turned crisp again and Dave walked in the door from a full days work I prepared myself for a speedy exit. With little more than a high five on passing he took over .

I needed a moment to gather my thoughts and catch my breath. To prayerfully remember that I am the one that sets the mood in this home - together with Dave, I need to teach these little people how valuable, important, intelligent and interesting they are. iview can't do that.  

I need to do it - and do it well. 


30 comments:

  1. Be gentle with yourself, Em. A day of lazy parenting is okay now and then. Especially when you're exhausted and sick. You're a good Mumma and they still know they're loved. Tomorrow is a new day. Get those animals out of the bath and get in it! x

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  2. Don't be hard on yourself Em, we all have days like that and as long as they're the exception not the rule I can live with it at our house! It is hard when we parent alone when partners work and we have to wait till "hand over". I've had days where I'm ready to drop and am robotically making myself keep going till Andrew comes home so I can rest, or get out of the house to regroup. We are NOT superwoman, as much as we try. Just loving parents who expect a lot of ourselves. Tomorrow is another day :) x

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  3. Yes, but to do it well we need a little break and time to re-group our thoughts and emotions. Don't be hard on yourself...sometimes I have days of it, more than two in a row where I am not 'in it'. Our job is 24/7...no weekends or holidays. Make time to take time. Xx

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  4. Yes: But cut yourself some slack.
    Your still a good mumma, doing good things, even if you get that skin crawly feeling every once in a while!
    oxox

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  5. I had one of those days.
    I'm feeling like I just want to escape BUT then tonight hubby & the girlies are out & I'm still feeling BLAHHHHH
    I am STUCK at home with a 91 yr old who needs constant care.
    Im praying for patience.
    Sarah's right have a nice bath & a glass of red, or 3 or 4:)
    Be kind to yourself.

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  6. don't you dare feel guilty for putting iview on! we have all done it. you needed to do it today. i hope you get a good nights sleep em...x

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  7. I hear you loud and clear Em. First official day of the holidays today and they have done my head in. It is not their fault, they are just being kids, but I just needed some quiet space for my head and brain to function. Go easy on yourself hun. xxx

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  8. It could well be the PMT.
    I know that rotten feeling. That feeling during the day of "I cannot be arsed with you", and then the guilt ridden feelings as soon as they are in bed.
    Be kind to yourself because when you're on lady, boy are you on. You rock this mothering gig!!
    I wish I had a remedy for you, (and me), but I don't. Just know you're not alone.
    Take good care of yourself.
    xo

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  9. Em, I only know you from this blog but I would say that you ARE doing those things. and doing them well. And it's normal to have those days (well, I hope... cause I have them a lot). And I'd say that it's pretty impressive to be able to have the insight that you have on the ACTUAL day that you're having the crappiness.
    So big up sister.

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  10. Yes you need to set the tone. But crumbling doesn't do any good.
    Take time for yourself and look after yourself! You are just as important as everyone else in your family.
    Being alone is important for your psyche.

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  11. As soon as I saw the title of your post I could so relate! Exactly as I have felt over the past day or two. I slip between being 'into' my day and over it. I'm thankful that the feeling passes! Really love the photos of the animals on the bath. And really appreciate your honesty, it is easy or tempting to paint a perfect picture when creating a blog but an honest picture tells the best story. May the new day bring moments just for you.

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  12. That sounded like my day - apart from the hi-5 and hubby taking over.... we ventured to the library instead... but that was it. Some days we just need a break so we can do it well. xx

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  13. So know how you feel. I feel like this too often :( I keep saying that I want to crawl into a box, in silence, on my own! Failing that, an 80s style Shirley Valentine holiday (minus the affair!) Hope you're ok xxx

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  14. Remember... it's waves. So your tide is out. It'll be back soon. You're amazing xx

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  15. I can relate too. I think it's ok to feel like that sometimes, but know what you mean about the responsibility of setting the tone for the day. Such a big job this parenting lark.

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  16. I know that feeling! Locking myself in the bathroom for a minute sometimes does the (short-term) trick!

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  17. Some days you need more 'me' time than others. After days like that I always feel so much better the next day and ramp it up. Hope you wake up feeling amazing. Because you really are doing the hardest job in the world xx

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  18. We all have down days, although we don't all admit to them. You will be back to your brilliant best in no time. Like me, you enjoy being around your kids all of the time, they bring us boundless joy, but we still need a break, time to collect our thoughts, or things just seem to blow out.

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  19. Oh Em, I get this. I was up from 1am with a sick toddler... who screamed out in frustration/pain/exhaustion every 5 or so minutes. Despite the shitty night, we had an ok day... but by this evening I'd had enough. I understand that yearning to have some time alone. And I feel guilty every time I think it. I know it won't always be this hard, but being in the middle of it, that knowledge doesn't seem to help. Sometimes it is bloody difficult to dig deep and find that positivity to get through. And even after said toddler threw up all over himself... and me... and I was forced to re-bath him and clean up the mess and do a load of washing... at 9pm tonight... I still wouldn't trade my role for the world. You're a wonderful Mama and having a down day here and there won't change that. We all have them xoxo

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  20. Take care of yourself Em. Now I'm new to this parenting lark but my thoughts are...the kids know how much you love them and what an incredible mum you are; it would be dishonest were you to constantly 'fake' a good day when feeling crap, surely they need to know it's ok to have down days too? Hugs to you xxx

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  21. I have days like that too, and I too feel sooooo guilty about it. I've often wondered if it's 'normal' - do all stay-at-home mums feel this way?

    I'm so glad you raised it because now I don't feel so weird and abnormal. Exhaustion, PMT and raising children are a hard combination!

    I hope you're feeling better today :)

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  22. The volume is what kills me.. it makes my blood boil. You know your personal page on FB where you write an alomsy about me.. supposed to be a witty comment or amazing quote.. mine (since about 3 years ago when my 2nd child came along and youngest could walk and talk)says "Silence is Underated".

    I soooo hear you, I really do. Getting outside with them always helps as its tones down the volume and I can stare at the sky for a while but really the solitude is the only thing that truly works x

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  23. I think the great thing is that you knew you needed the time out, and then took it. Don't feel guilty about such things. It's great you did (and were able to) take the time for yourself ... it will refresh you. Sometimes it all is too much, it's just important to regcognise it and then do something about it. Hope today is much better x

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  24. We all have days like that. And will continue to. Solitude seems a thing of the past sometimes when you're a Mum.
    But try not to feel guilty... it's all so normal. Hope today is better. xx

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  25. Everyone needs a moment to breathe! I need several moments, several times a week and I don't even have kids...

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  26. Been there. Don't be so hard on yourself - I'm sure you are still an excellent Mum! The photos made me smile - my son lines up his toy animals in exactly the same way, like a mini stampede ready to happen.

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  27. thanks for the solidarity sisters! You guys are seriously THE BEST. I don't feel like i'm really being hard on myself, more just aware of my shortcomings and eager to make improvements.... is that being hard? I'm not sure. Today was better, we went to the park... so iview was only on for HALF the day ;)

    xxxxx

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  28. You know what I think when I read this? NORMAL. I don't think us mums should feel at all guilty for needing more space sometimes. It's healthy & normal & possibly a requirement for good parenting! You're doing a great job. Kellie xx

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  29. Dude... I know. Having a solo day today. And I ain't gonna feel no guilt xx

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Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, advice and solidarity.

xo em