Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Chubby And Sad About It


I know we've been having a party round here but if I'm honest- until recently, I've struggled to feel the happy vibes. The past week has been spent in a bit of a slump. Some strange weighty depression knocked on my door.  It's been a while since I've felt wretched about myself and my life, so it's arrival was a shock to the system.

Gone was any desire to interact with my children or talk with my husband. I just wanted to curl up under the covers and disappear until the fog lifted. My hair has remained unwashed as have my clothes - I'll wear what can be found on the floor (although this is fairly standard behaviour).

Exhaustion at being chubby, unemployed and unimportant to anyone outside of these four walls has been getting me down - I couldn't shake it. For days I remained unable to focus my attention on anything or anyone other than myself.


 The truth is, sometimes being a full time stay at home mum bores me to tears.  I'm rendered numb by playing 'fireman sam' and can't throw myself into the imaginary realms like I wish I could, sometimes making Vegemite sandwiches at noon everyday is uninspiring, most days I just don't want to wipe table down twenty seven million times.

Sometimes I realise how selfish I am and that bores me too.


 It's with the ability to look past myself, my own needs, my desires, my exhaustion (me, me, me) that happiness will be rediscovered.*  So I shall pick up, carry on and be inspired by my maker to 'do unto others' (a hard lesson and a constant prayer). I'll remain exhausted, probably for the next few years - but with any luck, I'll manage to have some perspective.




*obviously my own needs must to be met- i do need time to be alone, to just be 'Emily'- not a wife and mother. This is not something I feel guilty for.

68 comments:

  1. You just described me at the moment. We must hang in there. Lots of cyber love (in a non-dodgy way)! xxx

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  2. Having a week like that too... and I thought the answer was to return to full time paid employment.. turns out its not. I am missing everything about being at home and taking back everything I ever said about how bored I was... eek!!
    Hang in there and do something nice for yourself.
    Love your blog
    x

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  3. Time for you is so important. Don't feel guilty.

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  4. I am starting the SAHM journey again soon - I am so scared and apprehensive about it!

    At least we can look to our online community to remind us how to connect and feel good about ourselves. :)

    Chin up! xxx

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  5. If you need intellectual stimulation (and there's no crime in that) get it.
    Positive choices affect the whole family positively.
    oxox

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  6. Um. you sum me up to the tee! I had to have a chuckle about the clothes-off-the-ground thing...Ive been doing this for several weeks now...too lazy to clean my bedroom...it remains the muck room/washing dumping ground. I feel ya on the whole thing of not feeling inspired to look beyond yourself..it takes true effort doesn't it. What would we do without hope, we'v got God to look to and that's inspiring in itself. I LOVE the verse you'v quoted, we might have to make a trendy bible-verse artwork for the wall on this one;)
    Right now... off to bed early I say:)
    (and say a prayer for other's hearts and needs)
    x

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  7. And the bloody rain hasn't helped I bet. Wiping the table down shits me to tears. I've started vacuuming it with the Dyson Animal! serial. You'll love the suck if you haven't got one. So much satisfaction in such repetitive times. xxx thinking of you.

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  8. i feel the same way, i have the worst regrowth, my eyebrows resemble john howards, ive been sleeping IN my clothes after collapsing from exhaustion and getting up the fast few days at 4:30 to start it all again, ive been making up execuses really to not see anyone becuase im happy in my little self pity bubble. its disgusting. a trip to the hairdresser, a new dress that fits properly and a night out with the girls would fix everything but sometimes the cycle is hard to break! hang in their possum theres so many of us that get it :o)

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    1. You have to break the John Howard eyebrow cycle ;)

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  9. Thanks for writing this. I have these moments often. I also read ur blog often. X

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  10. Em, if only you could see yourself through my eyes.. I look at you and I see a beautiful woman, with a gorgeous family, feeding off the land - which is what I'd love to be doing right about now, an amazing home and talent.
    You know what you want to be when you grow up.
    I don't!
    I have no idea where I want to be tomorrow.
    I became a wife at 19 and a mother at 20 and whilst I love my life, I have no "thing" of my own.
    I change my mind about what I want to donALL the time.
    But what I do know is who I am in God.
    I know who I'm called to be.
    You're incredible.
    Really.
    Just take some time to hear from the One who you ought to be listening to.
    xxx
    Stacey

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    1. Totally agree with you Stacey! (even though I've not met Em personally... must change that one day. :) )

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  11. In fact the opposite is true - we are all here for you and you are important outside of your four walls!
    We all feel the same at times(full time at home mum speaking - at 22 mind you!) but chin up - winter blues will pass, grab a cuppa or better still hot chocolate/homemade chai snuggle up and watch some corny movie and refresh your soul!

    bxx

    bybande.blogspot.com

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  12. Emily,
    You write so beautifully. I have really been encouraged reading your posts recently. I enjoy the way you write honestly about what you are feeling, and yet finish with a goal to strive towards... (hope that makes sense!) ... It is a hard journey being a mum isn't it... yet such a beautiful privilege ... Your recent posts have encouraged me to remember both of these.

    samara x

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  13. As a Mum, I think it is okay to say "What about me?" every now and then. Let's face it until they are a lot older (sometimes very old) kids just don't appreciate the sacrifices we make on a daily basis to ensure their happiness, safety and wellbeing. Wiping the table being one of those thankless tasks.
    Take some time for you, even if it does mean hiding under the doona and having a good cry followed by a rejuvenating sleep. And remember, the sun is always shining somewhere so think of that on those dull and gloomy winter, wet days.
    Hope you find the light again very soon

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  14. Ugh, I know that feeling, hang in there, 'this too shall pass' (some OKGO wisdom for you!)

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  15. Do not feel guilty about taking time for you.
    I always think on those rare ocassions that I take time for me, that if I don't, I'll fall apart and then we will all fall apart which would be worse.
    I hope things turn for you soon. I agree with Gemma, I vacuum the table with the mini dyson, as I get so sick of wiping it down!

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  16. I feel your pain. These days I feel SO chubby and unimportant. I am also bored.

    Truth is, I don't really know how to get out of the slump. If you get any ideas please share them!

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  17. We should never feel guilty for wanting to be "us"... And for some quality time as an individual. It's something we all, as mums, probably need more of. I know I do.
    I hope things get better Em. Hugs xx

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  18. Well it sounds like we are all feeling the same right now. I have been staying off facebook so I don't write any FML status updates like I resent everyone else for.

    You are beautiful.
    Your sparkle will return, I am sure of it.

    I think we all need to go out for a drink and get stupidly drunk...so drunk that people will be bitching about us for years. Then on Monday we will hate ourselves again...on Wednesday you remember all the crappy stuff you said and did...Friday we will get drunk again.
    Mxoxoxooxxo

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  19. Well done for being brave and saying this.. we ALL feel it. I am the biggest I have been for a couple of years and yet I've just scoffed a crisp sandwich.. yup! Real downers over here. Big love hun xx

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  20. You're important to the 20 or so women above my comment here. You are not alone. This is a tough gig. The stupid rain and cold and being house bound of late makes matters so much worse too!! Perhaps we should have a tea party and let our boys run wild in the wet ;)

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  21. Oh Em, what a heartfelt post. I just want to give you a big squeezy hug right now. Being house bound is hard. Being exhausted is hard. Having no time to even THINK to yourself for more than 10 seconds straight is hard (drives me crazy). Anyway, I know this may not be much of a consolation, but even though we haven't met, I think you're awesome.
    Ronnie xo

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  22. Dude, it's the weather, or time of year or something - crippling depressive notes of crap are a happening. I find the afternoons are the worst. Too long until bedtime but not long enough to go out and do something.
    I also feel the exhaustion of night feeds and early risings then too.
    Even though I am not a full time SAHM my days alone with Bub range wildy from hilarious and exciting, to exhausting and boring.
    When you discover the cure let me know, huh?

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  23. Sending love from Alabama! I'm crazy about this blog and so are lots of other people. And use the word Vegemite more. It sounds super cute even though I'm not totally sure what it is.

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  24. Aww Em, it's so intense this parenting thing. I honestly believe these down times are essential and designed to ensure we don't COMPLETELY run out of puff and lose the plot entirely. Rest up. Your mojo will return. And you haven't and won't lose perspective. It's possible to feel like crap but still be totally grateful at the same time:-D
    Melxx
    ps Housework IS as boring as batshit. I'm yet to find a cure for it :-)

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  25. Thanks for your honest and real post. We all have these moments/ weeks (I know I do!) I really like this post http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/motherhood-is-application - I just wish I could remember it when I'm having my hardest moments! I hope you can get through it and come out a better stronger person at the other side... by the way, in all the pics I've seen of you on your blog, you in no way look 'chubby' to me ... I would choose words like vibrant and beautiful! God bless x

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  26. you and your blog are delightful! you juggle lots of stuff lady and from here it looks like you do a pretty good job at it! go gently with yourself, celebrate the vegie sandwiches (gotta be better than nutella. so good choice mum) and get the kids to wipe that table ... never too young to start! thanks for all you do - i really love quietly popping by... Hx

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  27. Oh Em, hope the sun shines brightly for you tomorrow. We all feel downing the dumps at times, it is awful and depressing. Try and have a catchup with friends and let hubby take the reins for a little bit. I always feel better after a girly catchup, laughs and coffee are good medicine xx

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  28. oh dear, I'm really torn how to respond. Obviously this is a very raw emotion and feeling your going through..something all mothers go through i believe. pick up the phone...ask for help from those around you. do something just for you each day....be in the moment even if just for a moment....talk with those that will listen not just say what you want to hear, and tell yourself that what you do....for your kids is the best in the world. this is the hardest job but in some crazy way, we love doing it. xx

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  29. And that is why you have a blog my lovely girl! This is half your job ... a very poorly paid one and your interaction with the outside world! Plus being a mum is a difficult job which you are not bound by any contract to enjoy doing every single second of every day!That is life. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it doesn't and generally you just pray to God or whoever that it doesn't suck very often! PLUS...being chubby is not SO bad. It wouldn't be fair to everyone else if you were beautiful, funny, clever AND skinny now would it?!

    xx

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  30. You're important to me!
    A bit of fresh air and excercise does me a world of good at times like these. xxx

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  31. Interesting heading, Em. Is your perceived chub the real reason for your doldrums? Do you sometimes think that if you were the skinny minny in your head, then being a full time SAHM would be bearable... Is that what your headline is saying?

    Anyway, I met you for the first time recently and you were TINY. And beautiful. Unbelievably beautiful. If that's your 'chubby', I want it!

    Chin up, as I know it will be. We all get a bit over ourselves from time to time. Life is relentless. x

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  32. I've been having a tough week as well. Nearly burst into tears at Erina Fair! That's when you know you are having a bad day....

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  33. You're not along. So many of us feel this way. It's yuk and blah. Don't try to do this on your own. Reel in support any where you can get it.
    I understand what you mean by all the boredom. I really do.

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  34. It's the bloody rain, isn't it.. And the relentless cleaning up of the table after every bloody meal.. And the whinging... Most days I feel like this, but then sometimes I get a bit more sleep and I gain a bit more perspective and I put Jamiroquai on loud and dance like a maniac with my boys.. Like I did tonight.. Hopefully, you'll dance again soon too...So nice that you have a lot of support here...

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  35. Yup hearing you as well...

    I get out a lot. see a friend each day. It is almost in concrete what we do! Playgroup. book club, craft group, neighbour association. ANYTHING that allows me adult time and makes me feel needed...

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  36. Oh darling Em, I get this so wholeheartedly. I have felt overweight for some months now... and I KNOW that I am not technically that overweight... but for me, I am. I don't fit into my pretty, coloured jeans at the moment and I have a tummy that resembles a big old female cat's... you know that useless skin that's left after having children?! Hence my overwhelming desire to get back into some form of exercise... which I did on the weekend for the first time since before Christmas.
    I also struggle at times with the full time stay at home Mama gig. It's the first time I've been 'unemployed' since I was 16... and it's only been since November, but already I'm feeling the itch to start earning my own crust again.
    Thank you for being so brave in sharing your innermost feelings on this matter. I can tell you, that you are most important to many many people outside your little home and your honesty helps to make those people feel better about themselves too.
    You're allowed to feel down my friend, it goes with the rocky territory all of us Mama's have to walk through every day. But please don't ever think that you're not beautiful, inside and out, because you are xoxo

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  37. I am not a mother but i hear you loud and clear all the same. I have been going through a period of depression, a bad injury and some illness preventing me from getting what I want to get done...done. And don't get me started on feeling chubby, I have gained about 10kg and losing it is hard being stuck in the house and unable to exercise. I am thinking of you and want you to know that you don;t have to feel bad or alone...lots of people with kids or without get you, feel you and I am sure are there for you.

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  38. I hear you. I stay at home most days. I am quite selfish in that I do things I want to do too, but I let the kids involve themselves too, so the guilt isn't too heavy. They'll be great sewers and photographers one day :) hoping you're feeling brighter soon xxx

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  39. sometime you just feel like your crawling through life aye? just keep on crawling love, you'll end up finding yourself on an incline at some stage from where you'll be able to see the beautiful view again x

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  40. I know what you mean!!!!! I think the repetitiveness of each day is responsible for some of this (as is being in constant demand by your little ones)... Totally exhausting. Let's hope it's true what they say, and the season really is short!

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  41. Far out Em, look at all these people who turn to you for inspiration, honesty and a little thought provoking dig into life as a SAHM...you are more important outside your home than you give yourself credit for. I for one appreciate your warmth, humour and engagement with this online community, you've made me feel at home and I love your blog. It's ok to feel sad though, just know it will pass and know you are amazing. xxx emx

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  42. I think at some point or other most Mum's feel the way you are now... Nothing to feel guilty about, although I know I do get the guilts when I'm going through the same slump.
    I too am going through a bit of a funk atm... I am so exhausted, I work 3 days a week (not because I want to but because I have to) I'm studying from home, I have a 2 year old who has decided of late that he is going to wake up several times (usually about 4 or 5 times) through the night crying because he wants to sleep in our bed, I've got another bub on the way and finally all the stress that comes with recently buying our own home...

    Chin up Emily, you've got a whole lot of other women out there who know how you feel and are here to support you xo

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  43. Wowee- you just described exactly how I have been feeling lately! Being a SAHM can be boring and hard and annoying and shite sometimes. Then it isn't. Then it's awesome. It's shite again. Just hang on and don't let the merry go round chuck you off :-)

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  44. Em, you are an incredible woman. And there is no one like you. You have talents that no one else was created with, unique little facets that are only yours.
    I've been through simmilar. It's kinda grey. everything feels grey. Get outside as much as you can (The sun is shining right now), even if you're in your PJ's! :) Or bung lady baby in the pram, and take Zeph to the park. Let them do their thing.
    Even now there are times when I just need time by myself to recharge, and that is when I let hubby spend the morning with the boys on a weekend and lie in bed and read or some other thing that I enjoy - just for me.
    Your Creator knows what you need. Keep talking to him about it. :)
    Praying for you babe.
    S x0x

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  45. Hello there girlie, put the kids in the car and meet me at the fibro shack, we can take the kiddos to the beach, sit on a blanket , have a chat and a coffee.....let me know when it suits. x Roberta

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  46. Oh, your honesty! I'd like to lose 10kgs (and it's not baby weight, just "I work in an office and sit on my butt 12 hours a day weight"). It's a shock, because at 21 I was still a size 6/8 and then as I've gotten older it's just harder and harder to keep it off. Rude shock given it took no effort to stay slender for my first 21 years. Hard also because my wardrobe is made for my previous body. BUT, then I realised, as I come to near 27 I'm more of a woman, and that skinny me was really a teenage body delayed. Yes, I need to get out and get fit but I've come to accept that my body is going to change over the years. Don't feel too down, the things that are bothering you are fixable and not permanent. You can get fit and while you might be officially unemployed you are very much employable. My boy is always reminding me when I get down about such things "that's fine, because those are things we can FIX". Your posts are important to me!!! I'd say a holiday is in order!

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  47. I think all mums go through periods of feeling exactly the same Em. Just know that you are important, not just to those under your roof but to all the women here who you continue to inspire :)
    I hope the sun shines brightly on your world.
    x

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  48. Some days just suck - we all have those days (or weeks) but please be sure in these yukko days you don't be too hard on yourself.
    You have SO much gorgeousness to give to this world Em and I for one think you are beautiful, funny and way cool.
    Take care of you x

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  49. Hate those days, they pass....

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  50. God I appreciate your honesty! Chin up - we all know its passes, its just so damn hard to see that at the time xxxx

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  51. Oh...Poor you! If the sun shines for you tomorrow, you should put down a big ol' plastic mat, give the kiddies vegemite, bread and plastic knives and let them make their own vegemite sambos while you lie in the sunshine! Hope it gets better for you soon.

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  52. i don't have a husband or children (yet), but since i work for myself i have those days as well. sometimes i have to remind myself that i do matter to people on the outside. and those little extra pounds...those times when none of my clothes seem to fit quite right. i get it. when i feel that way, i fake it 'til i make it. i act like i feel better, and eventually i actually do feel better!
    xox

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  53. I love the honesty and hope contained within these words - truth is mothering is the best job ever but wiping the table down is boring, sad and so uninspiring.... it's all so much of finding that place of still being the awesome Emily and the wonder-mama together and I LOVE that you dress like a fruit salad in your profile thing! LOVE

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  54. I agree with all of the above especially, 'this too shall pass' & 'fresh air and exercise'. Move your body and your being and you will love it more. Have you read 'Sweat your Prayers?' by Gabrielle Roth. A good read and thing to do if you like dancing. Banish the vegemite sandwiches and break out the marinated fetta and olives, pluck some rocket from your garden or whatever your version of a more exciting lunch is. Getting your hands in the dirt in your garden is good soul food too. Of course you know all this :) And as my dear nan, mother of four, grandmother of six reminds me - attitude is everything. Oh and do something new. Something you didn't think you could do or have been wanting to try. Even if it is something as simple as cooking with an ingredient you don't have a clue how to cook with. I hope the weekend brings you some fog lifting moments.

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  55. This makes a lot of sense to me. I hope it passes soon xx

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  56. Ah I hate those days and weeks... I hope you get those happy vibes again and keep them too.

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  57. Aaw lady! It makes me sad thinking of you being sad :(
    I know how you feel though. Feeling especially fat of late, and feel like I need some 'me' time for a bit. Boring housework keeps using up all my time, and lazy husband isn't helping. Poo to that stuff.

    Hope you are feeling back to your bubbly self again real soon.

    Rach x

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  58. If my arms could stretch around you, I'd give you a hug! ;)

    ...you know I'm kidding! Love you xx

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  59. You don't sound boring or selfish - you just sound normal. Can completely understand where you are coming from. Big hugs!

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  60. I'm glad you wrote this (not glad you are feeling it though). I'm in the slump too, baby is almost one, and it's like I just woke up and realised I haven't been looking after myself. and worse still, no one is looking after meeeeeeeeee! I am sure it will pass. But your sentiment about meeting your own needs strikes a chord with me. thank you ♥

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  61. Em - this is why I <3 you and your blog - thanks for the honesty, especially for those of us who aren't mum's yet. It does everyone the world of good to admit that it isn't all rosy all the time - neither is being at work full time - I guess that's just life!! So sorry to hear you were feeling down - one of my favourite sayings is "This too shall pass" and I find myself repeating it over and over in my head some days! Take care! :)

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  62. I've just recently found your blog and just read this post today. I wanted to share with you that you give me tremendous inspiration. I for years have struggled with my body image which I often feel so frustrated with because it keeps me from feeling all the joy that is at my fingertips in this life. When I see you, I see a women who has it all, while not becoming a shadow of a body or a person. I know I don't know you personally, but this is what comes across for me. You are so beautiful, stylish, funny and honest, I feel more inspired, motivated and most importantly self excepting after I read your blog. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you.

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  63. I've just recently found your blog and just read this post today. I wanted to share with you that you give me tremendous inspiration. I for years have struggled with my body image which I often feel so frustrated with because it keeps me from feeling all the joy that is at my fingertips in this life. When I see you, I see a women who has it all, while not becoming a shadow of a body or a person. I know I don't know you personally, but this is what comes across for me. You are so beautiful, stylish, funny and honest, I feel more inspired, motivated and most importantly self excepting after I read your blog. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, advice and solidarity.

xo em